How it feels...

Matt and I attended our first real outing since Trinity has been born with some long time friends that we have not had time for and they have not had time for us. Each couple in our little click have 3 kids. So all together with their kids and ours, there are 8 children. Tysen being the oldest and Trinity being the youngest. We attended one of the children's birthday party at a really fun place called Jumpin'Jacks. It is a warehouse filled with bounce houses and slides and obstacle courses, a child dream!!! I even got challenged by another parent to race in the obstacle course and have to say I did it and lost. I was so busy laughing MAO that I could not run. I had a blast. After settling down, I grabbed Trinity and was trying to shelter her from the flying bouncy balls whipping around, I realized that Trinity could never do what I just did or what all of these kids are doing. It broke my heart and of course the tears came right after. I tired to keep it under raps and not do it but the lump in my throat became too large. I do not want to have a pity party and I do not want people to feel sorry for Trinity or me. That is not what I want in her life. But sometimes that grieving process starts all over again. I felt depressed and like I didn't want to be there anymore. I just wanted to be somewhere where she can be like "normal" kids but where is that? I imagined her sitting right next to me 5 years later, possibly in a wheelchair and wondering how she is going to handle it. How is she going to handle not being able to jump and play and run in to other kids due to lack of paying attention? How is she going to feel? How, out of all these kids in this warehouse (which I have to say was in the hundreds), did she get picked to have this disorder? What is she and I suppose to learn from all of this? Why did it have to be a physical disorder? I mean a physical disorder can turn into a mental one when starting to deal with all of this. I know God chose Trinity and our family for a reason, sometimes it is just hard to swallow. I just worry about her and her social needs. I worry about other kids and their mean mouths. Words do hurt when you are already down. Trinity is a strong girl, she has proven that, and I know she will be able to handle anything. I just have to play it day by day and hope that it all becomes clear someday.